It's been a week since I got high. I feel like slitting my own throat with a razor. I feel fucked up beyond belief. I'm drowning in a sea of indifference and apathy. No one can see how terrible it is inside my mind, how dark and ugly the world looks from my perspective.
My doctor suspects that I have pneumonia, possibly in both lungs. I'm very tempted to leave the medication he gave me and hope that it eventually kills me, that would be a logical choice after all. I've also been given medication to treat my stomach, as I've damaged it through over consumption of alcohol. This has pushed me further into despair, as I can't go out to bars or clubs any more, along with several other places that are off limits if I want to stay drug-free.
Why won't this nightmare end? I'm broke, unemployed, friendless, alone, ill, depressed, malnourished and all out of motivation and ambition.
I want to die, but I can't bring myself to cause more harm by killing myself.
This is hell, actual hell. Hyperboles aside, this is exactly how I'd picture hell, if such a place exists. I'm trapped.
"You say you don't like the way we look
Well fuck off
I ain't some dying dog that you can kick
So fuck off"
I've had this song stuck in my head all day; the sound of Layne staley shouting "Well Fuck off!" has been repeating constantly. It speaks volumes to me about myself. Although I'm somewhere between my lowest low and an indescribable blure, almost an autopilot-like feeling; I don't seem to have much input in my own thoughts or actions right now. I got the music, in MP3 format, for the album that I'm working on... it will be finfished, that much is indeniable.
Blogging, blogging and sh!t. It takes my mind off my mind. It kills a few minutes each day, so it seems like a worthwhile activity. yesterday was average. High point was that I found out for certain that I'm going to college next year. Low point was my cat dying in a bloody and horrific manner. But I won't complain. Enough has happened over the last year to make that seem small and unworthy of sadness. Ffs, I thought my brother was going to die a few days ago; I've started to pull out of this long slump, ever since he got discharged from the hospital. I can't let small things bother me, no matter if other people call me cold hearted. I am cold hearted, it's how I've survived all my difficulties so far: with a sinister smile and a sarcastic remark.
this is how you made me.
Well, it's been a while since I splattered my thoughts out for the world to see. My depression has become less overwhelming lately.... maybe this is the right moment to try and escape from it forever? Anyway, I got accepted into a course in college. That's one problem dealt with. I also finished writing my first poetry anthology Titled: A Trip Through Shangri-La. So fate appears to be dealing me a less cruel hand than is usual; I wont count on this lasting for very long. I just need one major crisis, to throw all this to the side. and I'm back at square one again. Well at least the thought of death isn't so prominent at the moment, that's a relief to say the least; makes my day a hell of a lot more simple.
It's all routine: sleep, eat, write, Sleep, eat, write; for 12 out of every 14 days. The other two are spent in Shangri-La.
I can make it back out...
Ok, so I spent the best part of the last three days drinking coffee after coffee, researching alternative treatments for depression, playing call of duty 4 and writing poetry non-stop. This is what life has become. This is what my whole year of recovery treatment has amounted to. I had one more poem worth mentioning after yesterday, which brings my anthology up to 14 poems out of 20. This is it:
Dark the days seem, filled with dread
I cannot see, beyond my doom
my thoughts pierce not the misty veil
the air of death that fills the room
But what say you of light beyond?
Of hope and health, good will to see?
These things have passed, like autumn rain,
they whisper to me, in mockery
Once I held a passion close
It warmed my very bones of frost
Once I swore an oath to you
And when you left, my life was lost.
Do not fear my thought or deed
My will, it holds still love for you
Remember me when I surrender
A hating, loving, caring fool
I hope that, if I cannot be cured of this curse, I will leave some verses worth remembering.
I think that I will publish my anthology under the title 'My Epitaph' (That being also the title of one of the poems it will contain) As it seems like a fitting heading.
Ok, I don't usually do these kind of things. God knows I prefer to articulate my thoughts through other more subtle mediums., like poetry, songwriting etc. But I feel the urgent need to vent coming on and this could be the last stand before more drastic action.
I've been having a damn rough year, my music went to sh*t a while ago. My social contacts and friends soon followed suit. I then moved back in with my family, to get out of the abusive cycle I was in; to get away from the drugs and alcohol, to try and make some sense of my life. All this was triggered by what some might call a 'heartbreak'. ironic in a way; that me, of all people (MR Bulletproof) who survived hell while growing up, spent years pushing my mind and body to their maximum limits and swore that I would never go down without a fight: was disemboweled (metaphorically speaking) by such a small thing. What is love really? At the end of all fair speeches and fine words, what does that accursed term even mean? How is it possible that I'm still reeling from all this, a year or more later?
Will this shadow ever pass from my life? Am I simply prolonging the agony before an eventual death by my own hand? I need answers, the kind of answers which my family (None of whom understand my condition) and my doctors can't give. I need some goddamn light to lead the way into the future. I feel like this is my final stand, my final attempt at salvation. Here I go, trying to hold on. If all goes ill, I'll see you in paradise.
My mood: somewhat Suicidal
Previous Posts#6, posted October 5th, 2013
#5, posted June 29th, 2013
#4, posted June 22nd, 2013
Entry # 3, posted June 21st, 2013
Post #2, posted June 2nd, 2013
KSI KIll em All. Entry #1, posted May 31st, 2013, 1 comment
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